I have been chosen to suffer for your sake...

For anyone who’s wondering – the move was successful (not so successful that the name of this Blog will be renamed "Twilleydelphia" or "Twilley in Philly," much to the chagrin of some).

For anyone who placed wagers on whether or not the move had any snags, it is time to cash in.

How to: Moving the Twilley’s to Philly

1. Rent a 22’ diesel driven Penske truck online 4 weeks in advance (you save 10% booking online).
2. If you don’t have a AAA card, purchase one; you save an additional 12% or something with AAA.
3. Include a dolly in your rental (+$17.60).
4. Include 2 dozen furniture pads in your rental (+$26.40).
5. Make sure that you don’t take of any days before you move – i.e. move on the day exactly after the last day at your current workplace.
6. Pick up your rental on the day before your actual move.
7. Drop the rental off at your house and kiss your wife goodbye for the day.
8. Go to work.
9. Begin feeling a funny feeling in your stomach and take hold of one of the worst headaches you’ve ever had.
10. Leave work to purchase a Gatorade (because you think that you may be dehydrated – which might be why you’re sick) and a car wash (because you like to move in style). Drive back to work.

11. As soon as you park your car, open the door quickly and throw up.
12. Go back into the office, finish something you think is important, and tell your manager that you think it’s time for you to leave.
13. Dole out well wishes to many in your office.
14. Go home.
15. Assume the fetal position on your bed because your stomach still hurts and take a nap.
16. Wake up 2 hours later.
17. Purchase Little Caesar’s Pizza for the friends who agreed to help you move (you promised pizza and drinks, remember?).
18. Pack your truck in about 2 hours.
19. Thank everyone for coming and then sleep on an air mattress (which was quite comfy).
20. Take more time than you expected to in preparing to leave. Realize that you are hitting the road 1.5 hours later than desired.

21. While on the road, receive a phone call from your wife telling you that she is tired and is going to pull off at the next exit to take a nap. Offer to pull of with her and listen to her threaten you that if you do, she will just keep driving (because Penske trucks have governors and are necessarily built for speed). Agree that you will keep driving.
22. Pull off when you finally need fuel and realize that ¼ of a tank of diesel in a 22’ Penske truck = $45.00
23. Have Jason Harmon (the super friend [not that other friends aren’t super] who is driving your personal truck to Philly) tell you that your left turn signal is not working – this is after 200 miles of driving on the open highway.
24. Receive a phone call from your wife – she has taken a nap, gotten back on the interstate, and has already passed you.
25. Drive to your midway point: Bristol, VA, and enjoy family time that evening and the entire next day.
26. Day three of the actual move, leave Bristol to drive to Philadelphia – over 900 miles away. Your wife will drive ahead of you with your Mother in law – they’ll clean your new home before you get there.
27. About 1/3 of the way there, pull off the road due to the fact that your truck is telling you that you need oil.
28. Check your oil.
29. Realize that you actually don’t need oil.
30. Take relief and continue on.

31. Drive around Washington D.C. on the I-495 bypass.
32. Commence Penske Truck Break Down Sequence…While driving in the middle lane of traffic…On a 4 lane interstate…packed with cars.
33. Turn on your right turn signal (remember, that’s the one that works).
34. Wonder if your turn signal works, as no one will let you over.
35. Have Jason pull into the right lane to stop traffic so you can pull over to the median.
36. Call Penske’s 24 Emergency Roadside assist and trust them when they tell you that someone will be out to tow you in an hour. They will ask if there is water and oil in the truck. Say yes.
37. An hour and 15 minutes later, call back and ask why no one is there. Have the Penske person tell you (rather rudely) that the tow truck is tied up and will be there in 45 minutes. They will ask if there is water and oil in the truck. Say yes.
38. Mention that this is, in fact, 2 hours and not one. Hang up.
39. 50 minutes late, call back and ask why no one is there. Have the Penske person tell you that this doesn’t usually happen. They will ask if there is water and oil in the truck. Say yes. Have them tell you that a truck will be there in 30 minutes.
40. Wait 30 minutes.

41. Begin praying with Jason that a truck will arrive soon.
42. Open your eyes to see that the truck is arriving even as the words are leaving your mouth.
43. Listen to the tow truck driver tell you that he can’t fix the truck.
44. Listen to the tow truck driver call Penske. He will tell them “Yes, there is water and oil in the truck. No, I don’t have time to take them to Philly, but I‘ll call someone else to do it.”
45. Watch him strap a 22’ Penske truck to a large diesel tow truck.
46. Get left behind as he speeds off.
47. Drive erratically through DC/Baltimore traffic trying to catch up.
48. Watch as he drops off your truck on the side of the road and leave much more quickly than he came.
49. 30 minutes later, meet your new truck driver – he is much cooler than the last.
50. Arrive in Philly in less than 2 hours because the tow driver is hauling boo-tay.

Now, here’s the deal. I had the driver drop the truck off about 2 miles away from my new home – the truck would drive, but only short distances. The apparent problem was that the computer on the truck was malfunctioning. I found out later that this happens “often” with Penske trucks (this from an actual Penske worker). I intend on writing a letter to the company. The trucks computer actually stalled the truck no less than 10 times over the course of those 2 miles.

After unloading the truck, I tried driving it back to where I was picked up. I finally got so sick of it that I pulled off to the side of the road. They told me, “Yeah, can you wait with the truck for an hour? We’ll have a truck out by then.” I told them, “Sure.” I then left the truck to drive Jason around the city knowing that there was no way they’d be there in an hour.

When all was said and done, we were in bed by about 1:30 am or so…after waking up at 6:30 am the previous morning and driving 900 miles.

The Lord, apparently, has chosen me to suffer these things to make you laugh (and I’m sure, for some deeper spiritual reason).

I'll add pictures when I'm not being blocked by a public library firewall...