How To: Flying to Philadelphia to Close on Your First House

On the front end: The last "How To," post seemed to be a smash hit. I just want to let you know though, there's no spiritual lesson (yet) with this one.

1. Find a suitable home four weeks before moving to Philadelphia.
2. Set a closing date one week before your move date.
3. Make sure you're scheduled to work the weekend after your closing date.
4. Set an airline reservation through Northwest Airlines because

• They are the cheapest you can find @ $208 per ticket (which you think is an outstanding deal)
• They are part of the Skyteam Alliance and you can accrue Skymiles (Delta) by flying with NWA.
• You can fly out the day before closing (and spend the night in Philadelphia) and return to Birmingham the same day as closing (remember, you have to work on Saturday)

5. Book your hotel room through priceline.com because

• you always find super deals through their "Name your own price" feature
• if anything happens to hinder your flight, your stay is nonrefundable - (you are confident that neither weather nor ineptitude will stand in your way).

6. Decide to also book a rental car through priceline.com for the reasons listed above and for reason 3. You're a middle class American who needs to strut his independence by driving his own car rather than utilizing public transport (which would be cheaper, cleaner, and probably faster).
7. Go to work the same day you fly out and remember to tell your manager you're leaving early to purchase your first home.
8. Check in online...that same morning...from work...
9. Think: Things are going so smoothly!

10. Arrive at Birmingham "International" Airport (BHM) 2 hours before takeoff (to satisfy your wife's request).
11. Walk straight through security to your assigned gate - you only have 2 carryons and a printed boarding pass (remember - DO NOT check the departure or arrival monitors as it can only waste your time).
12. Walk to your gate and marvel at how empty your departure gate is.
13. Walk to the gate desk, cock your head, and stare in a funny way at the message in blazing red LED that just informed you that your flight has been "Canceled."
14. Listen to the elderly couple sitting at the gate affirm that your flight has been canceled, and ask "Really?" in utter disbelief.
15. Walk to the North West Airlines ticket counter and keep your cool for the 45 minute wait to get to the desk agent (be sure to start the stop watch on your Timex).
16. Kick yourself for always getting into the slow line...always.
17. Be sure to listen to everything the people around you are saying - especially the loud cocky guy behind you who says "This is the third time they've done this this year - the same exact flight every time."
18. Listen to the gate agent in another line tell another person that all seats have been taken on all airlines for the evening and her advice to call customer service through one of their desk phones as they will most certainly reach customer service at a greater rate of speed than your own phone.
19. Arrive at your ticketing agent's station at the desk - explain that this is a desperate situation because you need to be in the actual city of Philadelphia by 10:00 AM, which means you need to be at the Airport in the morning no later than 9:00 AM, but would prefer some finagling to get you out of the airport tonight.

20. Listen to her explanation that there are no more flights available. Keep your cool.
21. Inform her that you will drive to Atlanta or Huntsville to make it to Philadelphia that evening.
22. Wait to the side for 1/2 hour and keep your cool while she calls the NWA central ticketing office to try to work something out - spend your time people watching and calling your wife to tell her of this occurrence, reassuring her that surely they will put you on a partner airline.
23. Look back at a smiling agent who informs you that they have you set to fly out of Atlanta on a Delta flight that same evening and then returning to Birmingham the next day.
24. Ask, "So are you going to pay for the time and gas that it will take me to drive to Atlanta to pick up my truck when I return?" and expect the obvious answer. No.
25. Ask, "Can you ask the agent on the phone to give me a return flight to Atlanta?"
26. Wait 10 minutes. Keep your cool.
27. Answer from the agent: "Well, um, when we set up a reservation like um 300 miles away or more, um we can't book it over the phone, um, for you. But we have a flight tomorrow that can have you in Philadelphia by noon."
28. Say, "I don't think you understand."
29. Answer: "No, sire, I understand."

30. Lose your cool.
31. Make a scene, attracting the stares of gate agents on either side of NWA as well as arousing the visual fear of the three elderly women behind you (make sure to flail your arms and yell at this point."
32. Ask: "So, is Northwest going to pay for my home in Philadelphia since I'll obviously be missing my closing?"
33. Obvious answer: "Of course not sir."
34. Agree: "Of course not...why was this flight cancelled?"
35. Answer: "Crew issues" (i.e. not having the right amount of crew for this size of plane).
36. Make the following logical points (in an audibly irate tone - so that everyone within the immediate vicinity can hear):

• I bought this ticket to fly out tonight because I need to be in Philadelphia tomorrow. (yes sir)
• I understand that this is the third time this has happened this year with the same issue. (yes sir, but it's not my fault)
• I understand that this is not your fault, but you are working in the capacity of a representative of this airline, and if this is the third time this has happened with a crew issue, then it is Northwest's responsibility. (yes sir)
• What is northwest doing to stop this? (I don't know sir)
• Nothing. Exactly. Considering that I purchased this ticket to specifically fly to Philadelphia tonight, I expect that Northwest owes me a flight to Philadelphia tonight. (yes sir)
• I understand that you can have me there tomorrow by noon, but noon is too late (*there were actually no flights from Birmingham that would have me there any earlier on Delta or Continental either). (yes sir)
• So how are we going to get me there tonight?
  

37. "Well sir, you can dial this number."
38. Realize that she is writing the exact number that the other agent told another passenger would take forever to get an answer. Realize she's just trying to get you away from the gate. Become further incensed.
39. Yell, "I know that I'll never get an answer on that line, and yet, you're giving it to me. She (be sure to point to the other agent) told another passenger that very thing and that these phones at the gate work faster. Why would you have me call that line knowing this?"

40. Answer: "Then use one of these phones sir."
41. Talk to Scott on the phone. Explain your situation. Relax with satisfaction that Scott is now setting you up with a ticket through US Airways - because they can do that over the phone (but they can't do that by walking two desks over).
42. Apologize to the desk agent. Apologize to the three elderly women (they're answer: "I'm so angry that I wish I could do the same thing.").
43. Have the gumption to ask for the inconvenience voucher they've been giving everyone else at the desk (because it was never actually offered to you).
44. With satisfaction, watch the resignation in the desk agent's face as she gives you one.
45. Walk to US Air to get your ticket.
46. Although 2 hours later than previously expected, still arrive at PHL (Philadelphia's Airport).

Trust me, there is more to this (i.e. lessons learned, getting to the hotel - another story entirely) but for the sake of time and space, I'm ending it here - I'll try to update within the next two days...