Surreal Self Understanding

Have you ever seen the Dali (tried to do an accented 'i', sorry) painting, "The Persistance of Memory?" You probably have, but you might not know what it was - it's the one with the melting clocks (google it; you'll find it).

Sometimes, I kind of feel like that's my world, in a sense. Sometimes I wonder if the things that I perceive as normal are completely off by other people's standards.

Look, I'm not just talking about a difference of opinion.

A lot of these thoughts started off with my working through, and ultimately completing two semesters worth of Hebrew this summer. See, I used to think that I got languages. I went through four years of Spanish (well... at least four semesters - two in highschool, two in college) and performed relatively well without trying. I spent eight weeks in Belo Horizonte, Brasil and caught on to the language well enough to have (limited) conversations with people and to understand a bit of what they were saying to me.

I took Hebrew, and I was dashed to pieces.

To some of the folks that I've talked to, I've said that I have not depended on the Lord (intellectually) more than I have during the past two months. My weaknesses were made evident.

But I was thinking... even before this... that maybe I'm not nearly as intelligent as I once thought I was. There's a long history with this (coupled with a sense of destiny in regard to how I view my life - maybe another point for another time) that isn't too worth getting into now.

In one of my philosophy classes in college, I remember talking about color. I remember the discussion led into the fact that color comes at us in different frequencies of light - that wasn't worth debating. What we talked about (at that time... for that class period anyways) was how we know we're both seeing blue. What if my blues are reds and your blues are greens, but another person's blues are really blue? So... that's more of an existentialist type of thing, right? Because the definition of a thing is dependent on the person who defines it.

But what about a more metaphysical aspect. What if I see myself as something, but you and everyone else see me as something completely different. This is meant as no slander, but as an example - does a person with Down's Syndrome realize the effect of Down's? More to the point, is there an internal voice that says "I am different that what might be expected as "normal?"

Please hear me, I am not looking for affirmation from this. It's just something I've been thinking about for a little while.

All to say, I no longer believe that I am as intelligent as I once thought I was. That's kind of a drag. Ancient Hebrew helped me to see that. But existence kind of still begs a definition, right?

Who am I?

How am I wired?

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to do that?

Why should I do anything?

What does "supposed to" mean in the prior statements?

(on a side note, feel free to correct my philosophical connotations of metaphysics and existentialism).